Its not fair. I need you here with me. No one else will suffice because I have found the one whom my soul loves. I just hate that I can’t do anything. Lets just leave. I promise things will get better if we just get out of here. Please get me out of here.
I’m having a hard time. Of course my mind is going ninety to nothing because I should be sleeping so here goes; Im not sure what is going on ever. I know sometimes you keep people in the dark because the light may hurt them but when I’m treated that way I assume I’m unwanted. Which although I would prefer to be wanted, someone not wanting to be with or around me is human nature. It happens, it’s life. I’m not perfect by any means and I am cool with it. I know I’m mean to a few choice people but I really only react rudely when someone has really hurt me. I never strike first. As for my depression yes I’m prone to it. If when something horrible happens I would rather stay in the bed all day and pity myself, I really would but I can’t. I have a life to lead and people who depend on me. A while back when I had that like two year long depression spell I felt hopeless. I know that was a long time but I kicked that depressions ASS. I am thriving! I may have days where I will feel sad but, I plan on fighting that feeling until my last breath. I realize I’m getting depressed, give myself an allotted amount of time to wallow and then I get up and do something productive. I won’t let my suicidal and sad thoughts ruin my life. I will not! As for me turning out like anyone in my family I won’t. I’m my own breed. Creative and flighty like my mother, funny and lazy like my father. I’m 2.0! I’m their best traits all rolled into one like a mosaic of awesome! Do I get mad and scream at my mom? Well yes I do! Her words weigh heavier on my heart. Do I tend to prefer to lay on the couch and eat potato chips like my father? Yes! Will I forgive at the bat of an eyelash? Yes. That’s Ashley, that’s who I am. I forgive so it won’t weigh on me and make me angry and bitter. That is learned. I do still get mad when someone isn’t sorry and is a repeat offender? Yes. Especially when I KNOW they not only know better but are CAPABLE of so much more. Am I a little chubby due to my AWESOME taste for food? Yes. Does it hurt my feelings when someone mentions it? Yes. I’ve got a food problem. Either I eat ALL THE THINGS or nothing at all. (That’s also a learned behavior) I have no self control. But when it comes to love I don’t want a quick fix. I could not be tied down by anyone who lacked extraordinary shine. If you looked at my wish list I tend to shy away from cheap things. Quality over quantity. I’m the same way with people. For me to be in live REALLY in love (like I am now) is really something special. I don’t go by it lightly. But, I’m a firm believer in going your own way. Especially when you deserve it. I want so much from life. I want vacations and itty bitty bikinis and rosy slobbery kisses from infants. I want to climb mountains and to barely escape hugs from creepy relatives. I want the aurora borealis and budgeting the month out eating ramen noodles but laughing the whole time. I want happy. I may have lived a charmed life but it didn’t feel as full and wonderful as knowing I earned it. I don’t want easy anymore, I want earned.
I feel so lonely and lost. :(
You could have your choice of men but, I could never love again.
Every once in a while I get into a hole of absolute despair. I guess it happens to everyone. I feel so awful today, I’m sick to my stomach, my head is pounding. I feel like I have a bug of some sort and usually I can power through it but on top of this meloncholy I just can’t do it today. I called into work cause we really have a lot of old people today and if I do have a bug I don’t want to give it to them and now I feel MORE awful for not going. I mean yes, I don’t get paid to apprentice and I’m not really going to imposition anyone except myself but the guilt just makes me feel worse. And Im supposed to go with Katie to her chiropractor appointment which would make me feel loads better but since I called into work I feel like I don’t need to go. I’m going to go though because it will make me feel better. I’m just scared to become that person again. The lazy, self destructive, suicidal person that I’m still recovering from. I need to get it together. I’m not really sad about anything it’s just the depression crap (and possibly a virus) but I’m better than this. I’m good enough to get it together.
How do I get it together exactly?
Shame. Shame on me for planning and hoping. Shame on me for putting my faith in anyone at all.
I wanna get lost in some corner booth
I wanna dance to the static of an a.m. radio
I wanna wrap the moon around us and lay beside you skin on skin
Make love ‘til the sun comes up ‘till the sun goes down again
cause I need you